Episode 32

Empowering Your Inner Self: From People-Pleasing To Emotional Mastery, Mindfulness, And Forgiveness With Martin Salama

Alan speaks with Martin Salama in this episode of Mindful You this week. Martin speaks about the tragedy that struck his family at a young age and how he came to empower his inner-self. Salama and Carroll speak about the people pleaser mentality and the difference between awareness, self-awareness and self-consciousness. We must learn to control our emotions – we need to figure out how to emotionally regulate. We must learn to be forgiving of others but mostly with ourselves.

About The Guest:

Martin Salama, the Architect of The Warrior’s L.I.F.E. Code, has over 40 years of being a serial entrepreneur and owner of multiple businesses, and over a decade as a certified professional business coach, creator and host of multiple entrepreneur summits, radio host, and bestselling author multiple books. His system for mentoring entrepreneurs to become confident warriors in their businesses and their L.I.F.E., allows them to reach the next level in their business by increasing their ROI and creating a positive culture in their business from the top down-all while mastering the balance between all areas of their L.I.F.E.

Find Martin Here:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

LinkedIn

Youtube

Connect With Martin

About Alan:

Alan Carroll is an Educational Psychologist who specializes in Transpersonal Psychology. He founded Alan Carroll & Associates 30 years ago and before that, he was a Senior Sales Training Consultant for 10 years at Digital Equipment Corporation. He has dedicated his life in search of mindfulness tools that can be used by everyone (young and old) to transform their ability to speak at a professional level, as well as, to reduce the psychological suffering caused by the misidentification with our ego and reconnect to the vast transcendent dimension of consciousness that lies just on the other side of the thoughts we think and in between the words we speak.

Personal: https://www.facebook.com/alan.carroll.7359

Business: https://www.facebook.com/AlanCarrolltrains

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/company/aca-mindful-you/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindfulnesseminar/

Web Site: https://acamindfulyou.com/

Transcript
Alan Carroll:

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the mindful U

Alan Carroll:

podcast. Purpose of the podcast is to expand our awareness and

Alan Carroll:

understanding and experience of this metaphysical concept that

Alan Carroll:

we label as mindfulness presents. Emptiness, the

Alan Carroll:

unknown, the unformed, the unmanifested. I look at it as a,

Alan Carroll:

the ability to erase things. And when you erase a something,

Alan Carroll:

you're left with a space. And there used to be a something

Alan Carroll:

there. Now I've erased it. Now there's an empty space. And we

Alan Carroll:

call it empty space, no thing. So mindfulness has a lot to do

Alan Carroll:

with the exploration of of nothing. And our guest today,

Alan Carroll:

fun fouzia mastic experience the UPS experience the downs and has

Alan Carroll:

an energy and enthusiasm which drives the engine through spaces

Alan Carroll:

that some people might get capsized in, and he uses it to

Alan Carroll:

strengthen himself. He has a book called worrier to warrior.

Alan Carroll:

And how can you develop the ability develop the skills to

Alan Carroll:

when the boat does get capped size? You can right size it up.

Alan Carroll:

Quickly. He makes a distinction I like between being self

Alan Carroll:

conscious or self aware. He makes a distinction between

Alan Carroll:

people having conversations versus confrontations. And be it

Alan Carroll:

and being able to be present stable right side up. When the

Alan Carroll:

waves start happening in your life, the emotional ups and

Alan Carroll:

downs start happening in your life is a skill that takes

Alan Carroll:

practice. And Martin has been practicing and experiencing this

Alan Carroll:

ability to maintain that stability as you view and

Alan Carroll:

perceive life situations. So Wow. Let's talk to Martin Come

Alan Carroll:

on. Please welcome Martin to the mindful you podcast.

Alan Carroll:

Welcome everyone to the mindful U podcast and welcome to our

Alan Carroll:

guest today. Martin Salama. He is a very interesting fellow. He

Alan Carroll:

is going to be sharing with us his journey, his journey into

Alan Carroll:

our call it being more productive, being more present,

Alan Carroll:

being more mindful. And if you can do these various things,

Alan Carroll:

whatever you touch, whether it be increase in sales, whether it

Alan Carroll:

be improve relationships, anything that you touch, if you

Alan Carroll:

follow a certain way of thinking will lead to more gold than to

Alan Carroll:

lead. So I'd like to welcome everyone. And please welcome

Alan Carroll:

Martin to our mindful you podcast. Hello, Martin. Hi,

Martin Salama:

Alan, thank you so much for having me. I'm

Martin Salama:

excited to be with you. Well,

Alan Carroll:

thank you very much for being with us and being

Alan Carroll:

with our audience today. Let's start with a question with just

Alan Carroll:

take us back a little bit into the past. And what is sort of

Alan Carroll:

the foundation, the conditioning that you experienced that causes

Alan Carroll:

you to see the world a certain way? What were the defining

Alan Carroll:

moments that you shared earlier on? You're on your path of

Alan Carroll:

consciousness?

Unknown:

Right. Well, I think I have to go back to really pretty

Unknown:

much when I was 10 years old, for the first real defining

Unknown:

moment. And there's a reason I go all the way back there. It

Unknown:

was a tragedy in my life, and it's about 50 years ago now.

Unknown:

It's a little over 50 years ago that this happened. I I was 10

Unknown:

years old. And this tragedy happened because I was walking

Unknown:

home from school. And there was a school bus stopped in front of

Unknown:

our house, I was walking with one of my four older sisters.

Unknown:

And as we got closer, we realized the school bus wasn't

Unknown:

moving. It was just sitting there. And the bus driver was

Unknown:

standing in front of our house. And as we got closer, my mother

Unknown:

came running out of the house carrying my five year old

Unknown:

brother Michael in your hands. She jumped in the car and drove

Unknown:

away. We came to find out that when Michael got off the bus, he

Unknown:

dropped something in front of the school bus reached out to

Unknown:

get it. The bus driver didn't see him and drove. And

Unknown:

unfortunately, him and four days later, he passed away from the

Unknown:

injuries from that from that bus accident.

Alan Carroll:

And how old How old were you, Mike? Martin? I

Alan Carroll:

was 10 You were 10 years old. You had that experience? That's

Alan Carroll:

that's does explain a tragedy.

Unknown:

Yeah. And this, this tragedy affected everybody in my

Unknown:

family as you were sure baby of the family. My My parents were

Unknown:

devastated. My sisters, my older sisters were, as was I. And for

Unknown:

me, I told myself a story in the ensuing days. And that story

Unknown:

was, you know, I had this brother, who I was going to set

Unknown:

the world on fire with he and I, we were going to just, we were

Unknown:

going to control the we were going to, you know, be kings of

Unknown:

the world together.

Alan Carroll:

Wow, what a story, you

Unknown:

know, and now he was gone. And what my story I tend

Unknown:

to myself was, I now have to have the the put all my burden

Unknown:

on my shoulders, the legacy, I have to continue the legacy, I

Unknown:

have to make sure that the salaam name continues, I have to

Unknown:

make sure that I make my parents proud. And I never want them to

Unknown:

be sad again. So it's my job to make sure they're always happy.

Unknown:

And I can look back now and recognize that that moment, I

Unknown:

became a people pleaser.

Alan Carroll:

So you had a almost a program, a script, a

Alan Carroll:

thought see a meaning of life now. Yeah, based on that

Alan Carroll:

experience. And once it was embedded in your consciousness,

Alan Carroll:

you began to play the role of whatever that script said,

Unknown:

which was truth, or truth in my world. Yep.

Alan Carroll:

Yep. And your behavior then corresponded with

Alan Carroll:

the truth. Exactly. And whether the pay view lead to

Alan Carroll:

satisfaction are appropriate or inappropriate. We'll find out.

Unknown:

And that's the journey we're gonna take together today.

Unknown:

Yep. So yeah, so that's who I became I became a people

Unknown:

pleaser, always trying to please my parents always trying to make

Unknown:

everybody else around me happy. Well, I love people

Alan Carroll:

like you. I love people like you. I tell you, you

Alan Carroll:

ask them to do things. You're the people that will do

Alan Carroll:

everything for you. Yeah, God needs people like you, Martin.

Alan Carroll:

All right, people they do

Unknown:

good. As long as they understand the balance.

Alan Carroll:

Understand the balance to be thinking about

Alan Carroll:

that does do it. All right. Balance. Yeah, the balance. I

Alan Carroll:

got the balance thing. I appreciate y'all. And really,

Alan Carroll:

thanks so much.

Unknown:

This has been a great interview. Have a good day. No,

Unknown:

seriously. But that people pleaser mentality went on to

Unknown:

when I got married. I was trying to please my wife, I was trying

Unknown:

to please my family, my parents. And it took me pretty close to

Unknown:

40 years to recognize I was a people pleaser. But the irony of

Unknown:

it was, I was pleasing. No one was myself. So yeah, and that

Unknown:

came as a result of going through this almost 40 year

Unknown:

journey of doing these things and always trying to make

Unknown:

everybody else happy and never realizing that I'm not because I

Unknown:

would rationalize that the things I was doing was for the

Unknown:

greater good. But what I've come to learn is that the word

Unknown:

rationalize and I talk about this in my coaching is really

Unknown:

two words. It's really two words, it's, I'll pull out a

Unknown:

card of mine in my car deck, but national lies. Okay, so I'll

Unknown:

read the car to you. Whenever you think you may be doing

Unknown:

something that goes against your values. You will rationalize all

Unknown:

the reasons why it's okay. What you're really doing is lying to

Unknown:

yourself that it's rational to think that they're nothing more

Unknown:

than rationalize. So think about things that you might do. Like

Unknown:

you'll wake up in the morning. Yeah, I'm too tired to exercise

Unknown:

today. I don't think I'm gonna Are you really too tired? Are

Unknown:

you coming up with a reason why you shouldn't. And now that

Unknown:

you're aware of it, you realize it's really not a reason. It's

Unknown:

an excuse. That's really a rational lie. Because most of

Unknown:

the times if you start exercising 10 minutes and you're

Unknown:

like, I'm so glad I decided to do this. So now me Imagine you

Unknown:

do that in your daily event somebody comes and asks you can

Unknown:

you do something for me? And your people pleaser is like,

Unknown:

yeah, I want to figure out how to do it. And it doesn't matter

Unknown:

if it goes against what I really believe. And I can make that

Unknown:

person happy, then why not do it? Even if it goes against my

Unknown:

core, that core values, and

Alan Carroll:

if it goes against your core values, there's it's

Alan Carroll:

a, it creates a friction, it's like rubbing against something

Alan Carroll:

and creating a heat and a friction, which probably creates

Alan Carroll:

a dis hyphen, ease, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Alan Carroll:

Especially if you are a a people, people pleaser addict.

Alan Carroll:

Right? You're like, you're like King people pleaser. Sounds like

Alan Carroll:

that's what I

Unknown:

was. I now I call myself it's when you use that

Unknown:

word people pleaser addict. I call myself a recovering people

Unknown:

pleaser.

Alan Carroll:

Okay. All right. All right. I agree. I agree.

Alan Carroll:

Yeah. Right. Because

Unknown:

sometimes I will fall back into it. And it's about me,

Unknown:

we are adjusting and saying, wait a minute, am I doing this

Unknown:

for the right reasons.

Alan Carroll:

But that's an that's an important insight in

Alan Carroll:

the mindfulness business, because you have to catch the

Alan Carroll:

action. Before you do the action, and ask, what's the

Alan Carroll:

source of the action? What's the thought that's fueling the

Alan Carroll:

action? Oh, the thought is people that's the people

Alan Carroll:

pleaser. All right, then I can choose to, to, to do consciously

Alan Carroll:

please Him. And all the joy doing that. I realized, that's

Alan Carroll:

just my, that's just my act. Right? I don't have to play that

Alan Carroll:

card right now. Variety, that consciousness that that is

Alan Carroll:

that's the, that's the power of observation. And that's

Alan Carroll:

wonderful.

Unknown:

Yep. And it's awareness, you can't wear

Unknown:

awareness. And I'll get into that a little bit more as we go

Unknown:

along. In our conversation. There's a difference about

Unknown:

awareness, and self awareness and self consciousness.

Alan Carroll:

Well, that's, that's, that's definitely up my

Alan Carroll:

wheelhouse. Let's talk about those three distinctions.

Unknown:

Right. Okay. So everybody thinks they're aware,

Unknown:

and they are. But everybody then thinks they're also self aware.

Unknown:

But after I have a little bit of a conversation with them, they

Unknown:

start to realize is that they're not really so self aware.

Unknown:

They're more like they're self conscious. And the differences

Unknown:

is huge. And once they learn the difference, it becomes something

Unknown:

that they want to achieve the self awareness. So again, I have

Unknown:

another card on it. Love it. All right. So to me self conscious

Unknown:

self consciousness comes from a place of negative energy, guilt,

Unknown:

conflict and doubt, self consciousness is more outward

Unknown:

directed, it's being more concerned about what others are

Unknown:

thinking of you, and how the situation is going to affect

Unknown:

you. You probably react to uncomfortable situations instead

Unknown:

of respond. When you're self conscious, you're questioning

Unknown:

your decisions, little more to it, but you get that self

Unknown:

awareness comes from a place of positive energy, acceptance,

Unknown:

contentment, self assuredness, self awareness is more inward

Unknown:

facing, you have an accurate and realistic understanding of how

Unknown:

you are responding to situations, and how you feel

Unknown:

about things.

Alan Carroll:

You bet, that's, that's wonderful, because that,

Alan Carroll:

to me is a very, it's one of the basic fundamentals of spiritual

Alan Carroll:

development, is to be able to observe what's going I use, the

Alan Carroll:

analogy is that you're sitting in the movie theater, and you're

Alan Carroll:

watching the movie screen of life. And it's playing out in

Alan Carroll:

front of you through your five senses, and you're there with

Alan Carroll:

your bag of popcorn, drinking, whatever you want to be

Alan Carroll:

drinking, watching the play of life, right? Versus I am the

Alan Carroll:

play of life. And most people I am the play of life, and

Alan Carroll:

therefore the player of life beats me up and I don't feel

Alan Carroll:

satisfied, yet what you described as being able to step

Alan Carroll:

back, see what's going on. Notice the energy, notice the

Alan Carroll:

emotions, notice the thoughts being stirred up inside of you.

Alan Carroll:

And that's right, it's the scene of the movie. And then you're

Alan Carroll:

conscious enough to I can press the go or the stop button,

Alan Carroll:

right? And boy, if you can control the goal or the stop

Alan Carroll:

button, then you can go to God and stop to the devil then

Alan Carroll:

control of it.

Unknown:

Exactly right. And you know, the old me what I learned

Unknown:

about once I started to unpack this people pleaser, a part of

Unknown:

me, which came about as a result of my 30 years of doing that.

Unknown:

And then in 2003, my wife and I decided that we're going to

Unknown:

start a new project. She came to me and she said, you know, you

Unknown:

just closed the business. You're looking for something to do. I

Unknown:

just started playing tennis and I could never find any courts

Unknown:

anywhere near where we live. Maybe we should go put up a

Unknown:

tennis center. Sure. So now, let me here's the another ironic

Unknown:

thing. I am not an athlete. So much. So you could call me an

Unknown:

athletic supporter. But here she is. And in the back of my mind,

Unknown:

I'm like, Okay, I'm a people pleaser. I want to make her

Unknown:

happy course. So let's go down this road. Yep. And we start

Unknown:

this five year journey to decide that we're going to build a

Unknown:

Tennis Center. We go out, we get a feasibility study, and they

Unknown:

go, yeah, it'd be great. You have room, you could put seven,

Unknown:

eight, and it'll have it the right location down by the

Unknown:

Jersey Shore. Great idea. But it's not going to bring you a

Unknown:

ton of profit. You need to add other things like a membership,

Unknown:

like a gym, and other things. Spa blah, blah, blah, all these

Unknown:

things. Like, oh, okay, well, let's go find an architect.

Unknown:

Let's go find the lamp. Let's go find engineers. And what started

Unknown:

out as an idea of putting up seven or eight tennis courts,

Unknown:

we're gonna do 100 plus 1000, square foot tennis and health

Unknown:

center, that would cost $15 million. Right? And it takes us

Unknown:

five years, because you got to get the land. You got to get the

Unknown:

architects and the engineers, then you go to the city, and

Unknown:

they go, oh, wait a minute. You got to do a you got to do civil

Unknown:

engineers. How's it gonna affect the traffic? House? Do you have

Unknown:

enough parking all those things? The

Alan Carroll:

wetlands? What about the what about the animals

Alan Carroll:

in the wetlands?

Unknown:

Luckily, you have that issue. But but so now I'm down

Unknown:

this road, and we're putting money in it. Yep. Yep, paying

Unknown:

everybody out, getting investments and stuff like that.

Unknown:

But at the end of the day, I was plus $3 million into it three

Unknown:

and a half million dollars into it. And I'm like, Okay, where do

Unknown:

we go from, you know, so finally, I'm one of the banks

Unknown:

over the years. And they're like, Yeah, we love it. When

Unknown:

you're ready, we're ready for you. And this was in the mid

Unknown:

2000s 2000 567, when the lending out there was like going to

Unknown:

Costco and having lunch from the ladies on the ends of the unit

Unknown:

where they give you the free samples there. That's what they

Unknown:

were doing in the bank, they were handing you money, people

Unknown:

were refinancing their houses going back, you know, the

Unknown:

subprime loans, they would give me money for anything. Oh, yeah,

Unknown:

you're valued at 500? Well, now we'll give you 700 Oh, come

Unknown:

back. We'll do a million like a year later. And like, this is

Unknown:

how I was funding the project, as well as getting other people

Unknown:

investment and all that. So now in 2008, we finally get all the

Unknown:

approvals. We go to the bank, and the idea without lending.

Unknown:

I'm like, What are you talking about? Liz Genua, handing them

Unknown:

out like it was water? Well, things are changing. A month

Unknown:

later, Bernie paid off, the subprime loans finally exploded.

Unknown:

And just like that, the financial crash of 2008. And I

Unknown:

was one of the main victims. In my life, I was the number one

Unknown:

victim of that. And overnight, I lost everything. I stopped

Unknown:

paying my mortgage, I stopped paying my car payments, few

Unknown:

months into it my fault. My sense is that they're towing

Unknown:

your car. Because I was being repossessed, that never happened

Unknown:

to me, right. My house was foreclosed on. But luckily, I

Unknown:

live in New Jersey, and they were so backed up on foreclosure

Unknown:

that took them years till they finally finalized foreclosure.

Unknown:

But you can imagine I went into a pretty deep depression was

Unknown:

going

Alan Carroll:

on there. You bet. That's a that's a big, that's a

Alan Carroll:

big thing to see in the movie of life sitting there. Yes, your

Alan Carroll:

popcorn to be able to stay stable and mentally stable. And

Alan Carroll:

to deal with that outer world kind of stuff.

Unknown:

Yeah. And I wasn't I wasn't, I wasn't in that mode of

Unknown:

being an observer. And what that meant, now I do, I practice it

Unknown:

pretty much all the time. Wonderful. But I was deep into

Unknown:

it. And I'm like, Why is everything happening to me? And

Unknown:

it took me about a year to say, Okay, now what am I going to do

Unknown:

with my life. And I decided I want to be a businessman

Unknown:

anymore. I want to do something different. And I said, what I

Unknown:

want to do, while I've been involved in community events,

Unknown:

and as a leader, I was showing people how they can come in and

Unknown:

give me a little time into organizations, whatever it was,

Unknown:

and they can be productive. So I realized it was a life coach, so

Unknown:

why not go out and get certified and become a life coach. So

Unknown:

that's what I decided to do. And about two months before it was

Unknown:

time for coach training to start was my 24th wedding anniversary.

Unknown:

And my wife said, I'm done. I want to divorce. Oh, wow. Oh my

Unknown:

God. Everything keeps happening. into me what the heck. And I

Unknown:

think God tapped me on the shoulders and said, you want to

Unknown:

become a life coach. You got to go through some you guys. Now's

Unknown:

the time, you're at that lowest point, you got to figure out

Unknown:

what's going on in your life, figure out what you're doing and

Unknown:

where it's coming out of it. And I read this book that the school

Unknown:

had sent us a list of books to read, they said, read a few of

Unknown:

them. And one of them was the Four Agreements by Don Miguel

Unknown:

Ruiz. You know, that book.

Alan Carroll:

I love that book. I love it. The book is God's

Alan Carroll:

word.

Unknown:

It's like the Bible to me.

Alan Carroll:

Very, very beautiful.

Unknown:

And when I read, don't take anything personally, I

Unknown:

finally started to understand that this is who I was, as a

Unknown:

people pleaser, I took things personally, I was a control

Unknown:

freak. I needed recognition for everything I was doing, I needed

Unknown:

to be validated. And worst of all, when those things weren't

Unknown:

happening, I had a very short temper. And I would blow up like

Unknown:

a like a, like an explosion coming a nuclear

Alan Carroll:

explosion. Yeah, reactive, you are radio, you are

Alan Carroll:

radio reactive.

Unknown:

Exactly. You leave fall out all over the place.

Alan Carroll:

Right, right. I that we should just underline

Alan Carroll:

and go back and visit that one about you don't want to take

Alan Carroll:

anything personally. Yeah, my observation after being around

Alan Carroll:

for a number of years is everybody takes everything

Alan Carroll:

personally. Yeah. And if you take it personally, you lose

Alan Carroll:

your power to control the situation. Because it's

Alan Carroll:

personal. But as long as you know, it's personal, then you

Alan Carroll:

know, you're in trouble.

Unknown:

Right, exactly. And that's really where things

Unknown:

started to change for me. Because I understood now that my

Unknown:

emotions, because I took everything personally, were

Unknown:

controlling me. Right, right. I needed to learn how to control

Unknown:

my emotions, so that I would be in charge of myself, instead of

Unknown:

my emotions and everybody else around me. You bet. Yeah. And

Unknown:

that's what happened. When I went through coach training. It

Unknown:

opened the door for me. I walked in that first weekend saying,

Unknown:

Okay, I'm open, I'm ready. I'm raw, I got to figure out what's

Unknown:

going on. And they said, You don't have to be who you think

Unknown:

you have to be. You could be whoever you want to be. And I

Unknown:

was like, Oh, wow. Really, I don't have to be that people

Unknown:

pleaser. And I started to unravel these things of the

Unknown:

people pleaser that I figured out, that's, that's who I was.

Unknown:

Now, it's like anybody with an addiction. They don't want to

Unknown:

admit that, that that person. Like, I'm not a people pleaser,

Unknown:

but really, I was. And it was coming to terms with that and

Unknown:

admitting it and saying, I gotta change. And that was where my

Unknown:

journey started. And after a few years, I started I was coaching

Unknown:

first as a divorce recovery coach, I wonder

Alan Carroll:

if your credibility there, right.

Unknown:

And I was starting to enjoy life again. And one day, I

Unknown:

was doing something that I'm not very good at, because I'm ADHD,

Unknown:

I was meditating. Imagine an ADHD guy sitting still for 10

Unknown:

minutes. What is this gonna be over? Even it was guided

Unknown:

meditation. I couldn't, it was hard. But one day, I had this

Unknown:

download of information that I was loving everything that was

Unknown:

going on in my life. And I wanted to share it with others.

Unknown:

And then when I finished meditating, I work for two

Unknown:

hours. And what came out of that was the acronym life, live

Unknown:

incredibly full every day. And what that was, is me saying I

Unknown:

want to show people how they can be happy and have a meaningful

Unknown:

life. So some people can be happy without meaning. And some

Unknown:

people will be doing meaningful things and not be happy. And

Unknown:

live incredibly full every day means that you're, you're

Unknown:

encompassing both of those things on a daily basis.

Unknown:

Beautiful,

Alan Carroll:

beautiful. We have a few minutes so why don't we go

Alan Carroll:

into the the the life distinction. And when we talk

Alan Carroll:

about it, think about people listening and what they can do

Alan Carroll:

actions they can take our states of mind you'd like to have that

Alan Carroll:

is the motivator for the the outside action. Right?

Unknown:

Right. So when my kids were going to school, they would

Unknown:

come home and they would tell me about the firemen that came into

Unknown:

school to teach them about fire safety. And they said Daddy,

Unknown:

they taught me three words to happen and when the when a fire

Unknown:

happens. Alan, you remember

Alan Carroll:

those words are something with roll down, down

Alan Carroll:

and roll or something.

Unknown:

What is topping Well,

Alan Carroll:

stop, drop and roll.

Unknown:

Right so When I realized that what I needed to

Unknown:

do in my life was to come up with a system that was similar

Unknown:

to that for my my overreactions. So I changed it to stop, think

Unknown:

and respond. For example, most of my conversations were

Unknown:

confrontations. Because I had my I had my defenses up, and I was

Unknown:

ready to battle anybody that wanted to come after me, because

Unknown:

I was taking everything personally. Now that not

Alan Carroll:

only that, I bet you were right. You were I'm

Alan Carroll:

right. And I'm taking it personally. Exactly. I'm always

Alan Carroll:

right, that I understand. So my by the way, I never I never

Alan Carroll:

wrong. My wife's been walking my entire

Unknown:

life as my ex wife, so you gotta laugh. I used to say,

Unknown:

everything was my fault. Even world hunger as far as my wife

Unknown:

was concerned, my ex wife. But a good joke, you know, joking

Unknown:

aside, I realized that I needed to recognize when I was going to

Unknown:

go into that mode of fight.

Alan Carroll:

Yep.

Unknown:

And I needed to change it. Becoming aware of self aware

Unknown:

instead of self conscious. Yep. So what I would do is, someone

Unknown:

would attack me, or I would think that was getting attacked.

Unknown:

And I'd say, Wait a minute. Stop. Yep. And then I'd say

Unknown:

think, am I taking this personally? Is it about me? Or

Unknown:

maybe something's going on in their life? That they're

Unknown:

projecting onto me? Yep. Or maybe something else? Who knows?

Unknown:

Yep. And how about if I respond instead of react? Yep. So that I

Unknown:

have conversations instead of confrontations. And I started to

Unknown:

go.

Alan Carroll:

Stop. That's a good thing people can remember.

Alan Carroll:

Yeah, I have conversations rather than confrontations. So

Alan Carroll:

you say say I think that's worth well repeating. So,

Unknown:

for me, I would always find myself in a confrontational

Unknown:

mode. Because my defenses were up. I was mad. I was taking it

Unknown:

personally. So I was ready to confront. So I was always having

Unknown:

confrontations. So I needed to learn to change from

Unknown:

confrontations to conversations, where it really good, that's

Unknown:

really justifying whatever was going on, I would advocate Well,

Unknown:

I would have a conversation and understand that it's not black

Unknown:

and white.

Alan Carroll:

Yep. Yep, yep. Yeah. But I when my world I look

Alan Carroll:

at the the confrontation comes out of your conditioning. And

Alan Carroll:

conditioning is the egos the web of thoughts that's created the

Alan Carroll:

experiences the programming, the teachers, the parents. And as

Alan Carroll:

you begin to practice meditation, one way, you begin

Alan Carroll:

to aerate that, that constipated ball of egoic thoughts. And the

Alan Carroll:

air begins to flow through a little bit more, there's more

Alan Carroll:

space around those thoughts. And you realize that I've been a

Alan Carroll:

storm door for 40 years. And it's better to be a screen door

Alan Carroll:

to allow the energy to flow back. Oh, I love that. And so

Alan Carroll:

the screen door, what's the difference between the two, the

Alan Carroll:

screen door has holes in it? Well, what's a hole? A hole is a

Alan Carroll:

moment of stillness, right. And meditation is achieving, you

Alan Carroll:

know, deeper levels of stillness. In my business, the

Alan Carroll:

Martin, I'm in the speaking business, where we tell the we

Alan Carroll:

train them to be able to consciously erase the sounds

Alan Carroll:

that you would have spoken. And then look at what that empty

Alan Carroll:

space is, by that empty space is I took something out, I took

Alan Carroll:

something out, and I put nothing in. Nothing is just empty space.

Alan Carroll:

Wow. And so and that's available to everybody. I call it like

Alan Carroll:

full spacious speaking. And in order to do it. Yeah, got to be

Alan Carroll:

here in the moment in order to do it. Yes,

Unknown:

you have to be mindful of where you are, at that

Unknown:

moment. Be mindful and present. And

Alan Carroll:

that's when you wake up. Yeah, that's right. And

Alan Carroll:

then you can choose, am I going to attack this person? And why

Alan Carroll:

will I want to attack this person? Or am I going to be

Alan Carroll:

compassionate and loving? Right?

Unknown:

Absolutely. And for everybody out there, it doesn't

Unknown:

happen overnight. I didn't go for being a reactor to responder

Unknown:

overnight. I wish I could have but it takes but number one is

Unknown:

not sustainable. Number two, you need to practice it. You need to

Unknown:

retrain your brain to understand the things that you were doing

Unknown:

before or not working. Even though you think you're right.

Unknown:

You're not all the time, and that it's okay to admit and be

Unknown:

vulnerable and work. recognize those weaknesses that you have,

Unknown:

and ask for help and be open to hearing other people's feedback.

Unknown:

So for me, it was making that shift slowly. And I created a

Unknown:

system where I would score myself is how I'm doing

Unknown:

wonderful,

Alan Carroll:

you know, wonderful. And it came from

Unknown:

a game I used to play when I was a kid with my

Unknown:

friends, it was called 531. Basketball, you'd be at the, at

Unknown:

the at the foul line and you took a shot, you hit it, you got

Unknown:

five points, then wherever you got the rebound, you took the

Unknown:

shot, that was three points. And then when you took a layup, you

Unknown:

got another point. And if you got all nine points, and you get

Unknown:

a, you get the extra point for a perfect time. So I took it and I

Unknown:

reversed it. I said, if you stop, give yourself a point. If

Unknown:

you think about the way you're going to react, give yourself

Unknown:

three points. And then if you respond instead of react, give

Unknown:

yourself five points. So now, imagine you had a competition

Unknown:

yesterday. And today you're thinking about it and saying I

Unknown:

can't believe I, I worked this thing and I didn't do it. Okay,

Unknown:

well, Alan, you have a chance to do something about it. So if you

Unknown:

stopped just now and you thought about, give yourself a point to

Unknown:

think about it, what could I have done differently? And made

Unknown:

it a conversation instead of a confrontation? And then number

Unknown:

five, if you could go back to that person and say, You know

Unknown:

what? I'm sorry for the way I reacted. Please forgive me with

Unknown:

no excuses with nothing back in return. And just saying I

Unknown:

apologize. Please accept my apology. I'll try to be bad do

Unknown:

better next time.

Alan Carroll:

So that is that's a you that's a whole university

Alan Carroll:

course right there.

Unknown:

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Alan Carroll:

That's a big,

Unknown:

the late Randy posh wrote the last the last lecture.

Unknown:

Yep. Because he knew he was gonna die. And he talked about

Unknown:

the apology. It's giving an apology without asking for

Unknown:

anything back without giving excuses. You know, I'm sorry,

Unknown:

but you started you got me going? No, I'm sorry for what I

Unknown:

did. This is what I did wrong. And I'll try to do better next

Unknown:

time. And

Alan Carroll:

asking for forgiveness and ask for

Alan Carroll:

forgiveness is a the forgiving yourself and forgiving other

Alan Carroll:

people for the sins that they have done that you illusion in

Alan Carroll:

your own conditioning think they had fun. It's hard to forgive

Alan Carroll:

that because I have to give up my righteous wrath. Exactly. Our

Alan Carroll:

it's undeserved and unjustified. However I will you both are not

Alan Carroll:

entitled to my forgiveness because he really don't deserve

Alan Carroll:

so the mind rationalizes like he was saying that justifies me not

Alan Carroll:

not forgiving. But I look at if you don't forgive, then you're

Alan Carroll:

swimming through life wood, wood grievances in cannon balls and

Alan Carroll:

complaints about the world. And it just weighs you down, rather

Alan Carroll:

than when you are released. Yeah,

Unknown:

and resentment, resentment, a big part of it.

Unknown:

Yep. And forgiveness is more about you than the other person.

Unknown:

You bet. So yeah, 100% I agree with that.

Alan Carroll:

I go so far as to say the reality that I

Alan Carroll:

experienced outwards is a projection of my own mind. And

Alan Carroll:

if I see things out there which are negative, then I damn well

Alan Carroll:

better take a look what's going on inside myself. Because if

Alan Carroll:

it's negative, I don't love it. Don't love it out there that I

Alan Carroll:

don't love it inside but inside is what projected it out there.

Alan Carroll:

So I better go inside and find out where where that unlovable

Alan Carroll:

little thought is came from so I can I can love it and heal it.

Unknown:

That's right. One of my one of my mentors. Her name is

Unknown:

Genevieve Davis writes these books on magic. And her number

Unknown:

one book is the first book she wrote is called Becoming magic

Unknown:

and the magic is within you. She says the world is as you see it.

Unknown:

So if you want to see it as negative and downtrodden and

Unknown:

full of problems, that's what you'll see. Whoever the

Unknown:

President does, whoever, whatever is going on in the

Unknown:

world. It has nothing to do with any of that. But if you see the

Unknown:

world as a wonderful place and put on those rose colored

Unknown:

glasses that I recommend that you do put on those road calls,

Unknown:

but rose colored glasses and go out there and look for the

Unknown:

opportunity. Look for the beauty look for the happiness. It'll

Unknown:

find you.

Alan Carroll:

Absolutely. It's a we are speaking very wise, from

Alan Carroll:

ancient old it of wisdom that is like of course this is the way

Alan Carroll:

it works. It's in the Talmud as well. Yep, it is the religious

Alan Carroll:

books, the the Christian, the Christian books, the Buddhist

Alan Carroll:

books, and they all sort of point to this This empty space,

Alan Carroll:

they call it God, a space that contains nothing but it also

Alan Carroll:

contains everything everything. And our identity is just a just

Alan Carroll:

an object like a Christmas tree ball on the on the tree, right?

Alan Carroll:

hanging in space that you think it's all you are. But as you air

Alan Carroll:

rake that ego stuff and you relax and forgive, all of a

Alan Carroll:

sudden you shift from the storm door to the screen door, and you

Alan Carroll:

no longer resist. Right, exactly.

Unknown:

I love that. I love that analogy. Fantastic. So

Unknown:

yeah, so I created that way of giving people a chance to

Unknown:

forgive themselves as they're going through this process.

Unknown:

Because you're never going to be 100% you can get to it. There's

Unknown:

no such thing as perfection. And it's okay to go back and tell

Unknown:

somebody, I made a mistake. You reacted when I should have

Unknown:

responded. You're building a relationship with that person.

Unknown:

When you do that you're rebuilding a relationship even

Unknown:

many times. Wow.

Alan Carroll:

Well, Martin, I want to thank you we are we have

Alan Carroll:

we've had a wonderful conversation, thank you a

Alan Carroll:

valuable conversations we have that take some of the the golden

Alan Carroll:

nuggets and diamonds of spirituality. And I like the way

Alan Carroll:

you shine your light on on it and illuminate it in your

Alan Carroll:

speaking. And the speaking comes from experience, not just from a

Alan Carroll:

book that you read. So you're able to take your experiences

Alan Carroll:

and articulate them in a in an energetic, energetic,

Alan Carroll:

enthusiastic, a way it's very it's very much of a life coach

Alan Carroll:

kind of a thing and the Suzy plastic champion to support

Alan Carroll:

people in progressing and healing themselves and so that

Alan Carroll:

they experience life is a cup half full right now than a cup

Alan Carroll:

half empty.

Unknown:

Exactly right. I look at it as the cup is always full.

Unknown:

I love

Alan Carroll:

it. I love it. The cup is always full, always full.

Alan Carroll:

And it's always always empty it because they both they both

Alan Carroll:

dichotomy. So can you do both, then then you're happy whether

Alan Carroll:

it's empty and happy whether it's full a makes no difference,

Unknown:

which is another one of of, of Don Miguel Ruiz is four

Unknown:

agreements don't make any assumptions. Don't have any

Unknown:

expectations.

Alan Carroll:

So you really hitting some good ones here.

Alan Carroll:

Thank you. Just the some people asked me, oh, I can't meditate.

Alan Carroll:

You know, I can't keep my eyes closed. And I in my body. And

Alan Carroll:

then. And I'd say, well, one of the rules that I would

Alan Carroll:

incorporate is enter into whatever meditation you do and

Alan Carroll:

say to yourself, I'm going to meditate for 20 minutes, and I

Alan Carroll:

have no expectations.

Unknown:

Exactly. That was when it changed for me, because I

Unknown:

thought I had to be that thinking, not anything, it's

Unknown:

whatever works for you. Right? Don't have any expectations of

Unknown:

what you think it should be.

Alan Carroll:

And let me also let folks know that you have

Alan Carroll:

your authored books and you have those cards that look pretty

Alan Carroll:

cool. How do you how do you get a hold of the cards? And how do

Alan Carroll:

you get a hold of your books. So

Unknown:

I made it very simple. You can go to connect with more

Unknown:

n.com. Go there, you'll see a link to get the book, you'll see

Unknown:

a link to get the cards. They'll also be a link for free gifts.

Unknown:

Like imagine a coloring book for adults or for kids. I have one

Unknown:

for each on the seven steps to an abundant mindset. A Monday

Unknown:

warrior mindset coloring

Alan Carroll:

book that's good. Get the body involved in it, you

Alan Carroll:

know, colors slash at Vegas, all right, and

Unknown:

it's okay to color outside the lines. We're not

Unknown:

kids anymore. We don't have to listen to the teacher it says

Unknown:

stay in the lines. Don't do what you want. Nobody. There's no

Unknown:

rules. And there's also a link if you want to find out more

Unknown:

about me or make an appointment to meet with me. They're all

Unknown:

there.

Alan Carroll:

So it's a copy of the book cover. Here you go. All

Alan Carroll:

right, worrier to warrior. That's nice little double words

Alan Carroll:

there. It's good

Unknown:

on Amazon, I'm very proud of that.

Alan Carroll:

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Well and

Alan Carroll:

the cards show us the deck of cards again. That's not that's

Alan Carroll:

on Amazon to actually

Unknown:

you go to the connect with buying.com I haven't put it

Unknown:

up on Amazon yet but you can get it on connect with martin.com

Unknown:

Wonderful.

Alan Carroll:

Well, Martin salaam I want to thank you very

Alan Carroll:

much for being a wonderful guests on the mindful you

Alan Carroll:

podcast. And it was just it's I feel I beat the so much sweet

Alan Carroll:

candy my pimples on my face because you have such beautiful

Alan Carroll:

words and beautiful distinctions and concepts. It's like It's

Alan Carroll:

like being in a candy store. So thank you for feeding my sugar

Alan Carroll:

addiction today.

Unknown:

Oh, thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad I was able to

Unknown:

Have you ever gotten too fat

Alan Carroll:

all right thank you very much Martin i Bye

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Mindful You

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About your host

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Alan Carroll

Alan Carroll is an Educational Psychologist who specializes in Transpersonal Psychology. He founded Alan Carroll & Associates 30 years ago and before that, he was a Senior Sales Training Consultant for 10 years at Digital Equipment Corporation. He has dedicated his life in search of mindfulness tools that can be used by everyone (young and old) to transform their ability to speak at a professional level, as well as, to reduce the psychological suffering caused by the misidentification with our ego and reconnect to the vast transcendent dimension of consciousness that lies just on the other side of the thoughts we think and in between the words we speak.